Life seems surreal at the moment. Take some time to reflect on what is good and why you appreciate it. To begin, come inside to the place that knows that everything covering up your essential self is just fluff, unsettled difficulties irreverent to what is true.
Sometimes I wonder why it takes sooo long to get through the loss of a structure in life. I look back at a time when my dad was in the midst of a psychotic breakdown, and my life felt like a horror film. A two-year nightmare. Inuendos that nobody would ever want to admit had become lodged in my brain. They presented almost daily, it was like picking the weeds of self-aversion or the process of growing out of an eating disorder: terrifying and confusing, palpable and necessary, a matter of the heart. I never thought I would look at a human being again with clarity, much less be able to invite in love, work and to fall in love with life again. Things began to gradually shift, much of which was written in the stars, yet none of what I could withhold any longer. Daily yoga practices, focused on purifying the koshas (layers of consciousness, to come in a groovy yoga book for transitions and recovery!) started to work, as did little inner commitments and alignment bearing fruit.
I wish I could wrap up this phase and put it into a bottle and call it home. Or harmony. Things just seem to be synergistic and working well. I know it takes believing, which can take a long while, or be a matter of perspective. I almost forgot I had believed, honestly. Many years of cleansing body, mind and spirit through a super macrobiotic diet, and praying and meditating on the mat, have begun to take root, yet also lighten as true needs. Thousands of “good lucks” from my mom that I shunned, denying the feeling of being discluded, and just wanting to know how it would end up, culminate during a phase like this when things just seem to line up. I have never believed in luck and firmly believe in continuous work on a person’s whole life to create harmony. I do wonder though if there is a magic in everyone’s heart that is a unique process of manifestation?
Mine would be something like this:
1. Be really scared of who you are. Focus on things like food and body image. Deny self expression. Get really depressed and ashamed. Start to notice it. Let it eat away at you until you feel like your presence is a mad house and everyone else it amazing. Look to the world as school, people and places as teachers.
2. Begin to really listen to your feelings. Become sensitive to the moment. Know that relaxation is safety and it comes from the body. Cultivate it within by taking as much time as possible, too much time, for you. This won’t look like any else’s process. For some, it may mean going overboard in some aspect of life. Do it with every ounce of your being. Have a passion that brings you back to center and when you feel awkward facing the world, remember you have this to come back to.
3. Keep going, do what you are doing, remembering daily that it is a process and especially to SLOW DOWN. It passes by in a heartbeat, these feelings of life in balance. Bring on the good ones by going towards what you love and away from what makes you armor your heart, body and life. Know this distinction is not always clear and takes continuous fine tuning.
4. Reflect. On things that feel good and inclusive, why some things bring up your stuff. On what actions need to take to feel better. Know each day that the body is different.
5. Put your whole heart in, even when you don’t know how. I can remember years of teaching yoga, my dad used to say I could do with my eyes closed and no hands. So true, I also was not truly listening. I was teaching from a place of knowing, not being taught by what other body’s needed. I was still teaching and making an impact. I’m humbled now by the world, by the knowing we all are working through things to become better friends, spouses, siblings, and co-creators.
6. It all is like being a fish and remembering to use your spine as a rutter moving with the natural rhythms of the earth. The front of which is where we withhold our secrets from the world, and the back in which we are able to carry each other. Both sides working simultaneously is what creates harmony. This takes ongoing work, stretching the mind and body to show up for ourselves in this here and now to be open to the joys and opportunities of life.
For now, reflect on how you bring good things to life. What is your personal code of ethics and morals, that keep you thriving? How do you continue purifying and opening to the lighter things in life? Is it perspective more so than actions? Or do actions lead to sustainable perspectives that not only feel good but create better outcomes? Some days heaviness is in the heart, sometimes in the head, and always blocking the bliss that is in the essential part of your being. What are some ways you can access your own inner bliss, even for the times in between being home? Is there a mantra, an activity, a blessing you would have for yourself and the world around you during these times?
Much inner love and blossoming heart wishes,